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Let it Snow

It's that time of the year again. The air fills my lungs and you can almost feel the return of winter. Little snowflakes populate the ground and it makes us eager. It makes us feel more alive.

We've waited for this season to come around for what seems like forever. It is a break from the sadness that fills our heart.

I like to think of snowflakes as actual living, breathing things. It's almost as if they contain more spirit in them than we do ourselves. They make us fall. They make us ache. They make us feel something we haven't felt for a long time. So, when that feeling washes away, what are we to do? What are we to say?

The brilliant sun is buried beneath all the clouds in the sky. It comes out momentarily to show us it's alive, only to go away. The smell of snow fills the air as we all still patiently await its arrival.

Faded Christmas lights fill my neighborhood. My house is the only one without them. We don't care much for the holidays. We only care for what they bring us, like a break from all of the schoolwork that has clouded up my mind.

The lovely sound of Modest Mouse fills my room, drowning everything else out. For a moment, I consider not answering the phone. Why would I? I see who it is and Little Motel suddenly no longer matters. I don't remember much from this phone call. My entire mind went blank after I hung up the phone, almost as if I didn't exist at all. I do remember certain words pushing through my ears.

"Lily... we're getting married... I know it's a little late to tell you... I can't think about your mother anymore... I never meant to hurt you."

I wanted to reverse time. I wanted to pretend this never happened, but it did. He "never meant to." Emptiness fills me and I want to sleep. That's all I can think about. The great thing about sleep is that there's not much to worry about, except your dreams haunting it. You're almost completely safe. I didn't have the choice. I had to wake up from this nightmare that was trailing behind me.

"Lily, come downstairs." My mother called for me. I went down the stairs almost eager for her to say something that would drown out my negativity. "We're having Christmas dinner at home this year. I need your help cleaning up." So I helped. I listened. My patience ran thin but all I could do was listen. Minutes passed, hours, days, and I still felt nothing. I couldn't feel anything. I was worn out beyond belief. Before I knew it, Christmas had rolled around and I had nothing to say.

Every year my mother woke me up to open presents. I really didn't care about them anymore, but I knew it made her happy to think she made me happy. It's not that she didn't; I appreciated her gifts, her thoughts, and her love. I am 17 years old. I don't care about much except for money, angst, and boys.

She stood behind me as I gently removed the gifts from the paper. She had so much love in her heart. She got me a book I had wanted for a long time, a new laptop and a curling iron, but that wasn't all. She also got me a locket that had my initials engraved on it. Inside was a picture of my entire family. It made me smile. I hadn't smiled in a long time. We hugged.

Guests soon began arriving for dinner.

"You look beautiful!" "Lily, how old are you now? You look great!" "Your mother must be so proud." Beautiful words filled the house and I was grateful to know people with lovely hearts existed. I was tired, but I was grateful to be surrounded by my family. I wanted more than anything to talk to one person, but I didn't get the chance.

The doorbell rang and my mother asked me to get it. The door opened and I was shocked to find my best friend standing in front of me. I hadn't seen her since I was 13.

"Elizabeth..." She hugged me. She was my cousin. She was my best friend. She knew everything there was to know about my heart. I heard my mother behind me saying, "Merry Christmas." I had gone from feeling empty to feeling complete in only a few seconds. Tears filled my eyes and I looked behind Elizabeth and saw it was snowing.

I was happy. So was everyone around me.

Let it snow.

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